TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
“A COW CHIP & LANCE CHRISTMAS”
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright © 1997 by Dennis Simmons
“I can’t believe there are only two weeks left before Christmas break,” Cow Chip said.
“I know,” Lance replied. “I really need this break from school. I’m starting to have nightmares about quadratic equations and DNA.”
“Hey, guys,” Lisa said to Cow Chip and Lance.
“Hi, Lisa,” Cow Chip said.
“Sarah and I wanted to ask you something,” she continued. “We wanted to have a Secret Santa group this Christmas.”
“A what?” Lance replied.
“You know,” Sarah explained. “It’s where a bunch of people secretly exchange names and then give that person a gift.”
“Oh,” Lance said. “One of those.”
“Who else is in?” Cow Chip asked.
“Lisa and I, Christine, Wilson, Dave, Juan, Sludge, maybe Kelly, and maybe a couple other people.”
“I’ll do it,” Lance told Sarah.
“Me too,” Cow Chip said. “When do we pick names?”
“Today at lunch,” Sarah said. “We’re going to meet in two weeks, on the last day of school before break, to trade our gifts.”
“Cool,” Lance said.
At lunch that day, Cow Chip and Lance both drew names out of the bag.
“I got Wilson,” Lance said. “What about you?”
“I can’t tell,” Cow Chip replied. “It might be you.”
“I know it isn’t, though, because you’re a terrible liar.”
“Okay, okay,” Cow Chip admitted. “I got Sarah. What am I going to get her? I barely know her.”
“Hi, Christine,” Cow Chip said. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“I got Sarah for the Secret Santa gift exchange, and I don’t know what to get her. I know you and Sarah are good friends, and I thought you might be able to give me some ideas.”
“Well,” Christine said, “Sarah loves to read. She’d probably like it if you got her a book, or a gift certificate at a bookstore, or something like that.”
“Okay,” Cow Chip replied. “What kind of stuff does she like to read?”
“She’s into horror novels and mysteries at the moment.”
“That’ll work. Thanks for the idea.”
“So do you have any ideas what you’re going to get Wilson?” Cow Chip asked.
“I’m thinking I’ll just get him a Friends poster,” Lance said. “The only problem is that I would be embarrassed to buy it. It’ll be like buying tampons or something.”
Cow Chip laughed. “Don’t worry about it. No one will know.”
“I’d like to buy this,” Cow Chip said.
“The Psychotic Fire Fighter,” the sales clerk observed. “I’ve heard that’s a pretty good book. One of his best.”
“It’s a gift for a friend,” Cow Chip said.
“I’m sure he’ll like it.”
“It’s a she.”
The clerk paused. “Oh.”
“Hi, Sarah. Do you need a partner?”
“Sure,” Sarah replied. “Come on over.”
“So,” Cow Chip said. “How’s your day going?”
“It’s okay,” she said. “I was reading this book this morning, The Psychotic Fire Fighter. It was so horrible, I had to put it down!!”
Cow Chip frowned. “Oh,” he said. “It sounds bad.”
Lance walked past Wilson and Christine. He overheard them talking about the gift exchange.
“I don’t know who has me,” Christine said. “I thought Sludge had me, but I heard Sludge saying that he has Lance.”
Lance continued walking, uneasy about the fact that Sludge was buying a gift for him.
“I want to exchange this,” Cow Chip said. “I have the receipt.”
“Your girlfriend didn’t like the fire fighter?” the clerk said.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” Cow Chip explained.
“Sure,” the clerk said, with sarcasm in her voice. “So what are you buying her instead?”
Cow Chip placed a book on the counter.
“‘D’ Is For Dismembered Body,” the clerk observed. “Your girlfriend is going to love this.”
Lance approached the cash register nervously. He looked around several times to make sure that no one he knew was watching him. Finally, he gave the item to the cashier. “Here,” he said.
“A Friends poster?” the cashier said. “You’re a big fan of that show, I take it.”
“No. It’s for a friend.”
“That’s cool! I’m a big fan too! I love that show! Everyone always tells me I look like Joey.”
“You don’t,” Lance said.
“Yeah, I think so too. But that’s so cool that you watch Friends. HEY EVERYBODY!!” he shouted. “THIS GUY HERE LIKES FRIENDS!“
Lance paid the man and took off quickly.
Lance left the store so fast that he almost didn’t notice Melissa standing outside.
“Hey. What’s up?” she asked.
“The guy in that store just completely embarrassed me for buying this,” he said.
Melissa looked at what was in Lance’s hand. “A Friends poster? I didn’t know you liked Friends! Maybe you should invite me over to watch it sometime.”
“Shut up. Not you too.”
Melissa laughed. “Take it easy. Why did you buy it?”
“It’s for Wilson. I’m doing a Secret Santa thing at school.”
“Oh. I see. That should be fun.”
“Yeah, except that I heard that Sludge has my name. He’ll probably buy me something really bizarre, like a do-it-yourself butt piercing kit or a Chia Pet.”
“Who’s Sludge?”
“He has purple hair and a ton of body piercings. I don’t know him that well, but he seems really weird.”
“You know, Lance, you shouldn’t judge people by what they look like. Maybe he’s a nice guy underneath.”
“Maybe. But I’d still rather have someone else buy me a gift.”
“Hey, Sarah,” Cow Chip said. “Mind if I join you?”
“Go ahead,” she said. “Sit down.”
“Do you have plans for Christmas break?” Cow Chip asked.
“Nothing really. I’m going to see my grandma in Orange County for a few days, but other than that, I’m just going to stay home. There are some books I want to read.”
“You sure like to read, don’t you.”
“Yes. I know a few new books I want to read. One that I absolutely don’t want to read, though, is that one called ‘D’ Is For Dismembered Body. I can’t stand that author.”
Cow Chip looked around. “Oh,” he said.
“Thanks for coming to the mall with me,” Cow Chip said. “Sarah is so hard to shop for. The gift exchange is tomorrow, and I don’t know what to get her. I think I’m just going to get her a gift certificate at the bookstore. That way, she can decide what she wants to read.”
“I hope Sludge doesn’t get me something stupid,” Lance said.
“Look,” Cow Chip said. “There’s Sludge. Maybe he’s looking for your gift.”
Sludge looked in their direction. “Hi, Lance,” he said. Lance waved back.
The Next Day
“Okay, who had me?” Wilson asked.
“I did,” Lance said. Lance approached Wilson and handed him the Friends poster. Wilson opened it.
“A Friends poster! Thanks!”
“Whose turn is it now?” Lance asked.
“It’s yours, Lance,” Wilson replied. “Who had Lance?”
“I had you, dude,” Sludge said. “Here’s your present.” Sludge gave Lance his present.
“Yes!” Lance said. “It’s so cool!”
“I saw you wearing that Ice Monkeys shirt yesterday, and I thought you would like it,” Sludge explained.
“I love the Ice Monkeys!”
“Me too.”
“You too? You like the Ice Monkeys?”
“Sure. I want to get Kingsley’s jersey number tattooed on my butt.”
“Cool! Maybe you and I can go to a game next year.”
“I’m next,” Sarah said. “Who had me?”
Cow Chip walked up with his gift certificate. But before he got there, Juan said, “I did.” Juan gave Sarah a gift.
“What?!” Cow Chip said. “I had Sarah! What are you doing?”
“No, you didn’t. I got Sarah’s name.”
“I drew Sarah’s name, and I can prove it.” Cow Chip looked in his backpack and found the paper that he had drawn out of the hat. He read it and showed it to Juan:
SARA
it said.
“That’s not Sarah,” Juan explained. “She spells her name with an H.”
“Then whose name did I have?” Cow Chip asked, bewildered.
“I can explain,” Juan said. “That’s my friend Sara, visiting from Texas.”
“Your friend from Texas?” Cow Chip exclaimed. “I’ve never met your friend from Texas! How am I supposed to know her?”
“I’m sorry. She told me she wanted to be in on our Secret Santa group, so I let her.”
“Well, I should get her a present, but I’ve never met her. I don’t know what she would like. I don’t know what to shop for.”
“Here she comes now,” Juan said. “I’ll introduce you. Cow Chip, this is Sara. Sara Fernandez.”
“Hi, Cow Chip,” Sara said. “I heard your conversation with Juan. I like watching sports, especially the 49ers and the Salinas Ice Monkeys. I like watching TV too, but I can’t stand Friends. X!”
“Hmm,” Cow Chip replied. “I think you’ll be easy to shop for. You remind me of someone. But I just can’t quite figure out who…”
THE END
Previous episode: 8. “What’s Cooking“
Next episode: 10. “Three Musketeers and a Woman”
Cow Chip & Lance 