1. Football

TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents

COW CHIP & LANCE

“Football”

Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons

Copyright © 1996, 1995 by Dennis Simmons


One morning, Cow Chip and Lance were watching TV when Cow Chip’s cousin came over to visit.

“Hey, Kevin,” Cow Chip said.

“Hey, Cow Chip,” Kevin replied. “Where’s that guy with the weird hair?”

“He’s watching TV.”

“Let’s go see him.” Cow Chip and Kevin went to go watch TV with Lance.


“What are we watching?” Kevin asked after seeing very strange people on the television.

“Ricki Lake,” Lance answered.

“That makes sense,” Kevin said. “Hey, guys, I got an idea. Let’s go play football. You two against me.”

“Cool!” Lance said.


“Hike!” Cow Chip shouted. He stepped back and passed the ball in Lance’s direction, but Kevin intercepted it and ran for a touchdown.

“Ouch,” Lance said. “What’s the score?”

“42-0. Kevin’s lead,” Cow Chip replied.

“That’s my special game ball,” Kevin pointed out. “I scored three touchdowns in one game last year with that ball.”

“Cool,” Cow Chip said.

“I’ll be right back. I’ll have to go to the bathroom.” Kevin walked toward the house.


“Go long,” Lance said to Cow Chip.

Cow Chip ran across the field. “Is this long enough?” he shouted.

“Yeah.” Lance passed the ball. It sailed over Cow Chip’s head and into the road, just in time to get hit by a truck.

“Uh-oh,” Lance said.

“You dumb-ass! That was Kevin’s game ball! He’ll kill you!” Cow Chip screamed.

“Me? You can’t prove I did it! He’ll kill you!” Lance answered. “And he’s probably almost out of the bathroom!”

“Wait a minute!” Cow Chip said. “Maybe he’s taking a DUMP!”

“So?”

“Then he won’t be out of the bathroom for another hour! I’ll go check.”


“It stinks in there!” Cow Chip said. “He must be taking a dump!”

“So? That doesn’t mean we can get his ball,” Lance replied.

“But we can get him one like it and hope he doesn’t notice the difference.”

“Great idea!”


In the sporting goods store, Cow Chip and Lance walked down the aisles. “Here are the footballs,” Cow Chip said.

“But none of them are just like Kevin’s,” Lance observed. “This one kind of looks like it.”

“Not close enough. Sorry.”

“Let’s go home.”

Just as Cow Chip and Lance turned around, a familiar voice called out. “Hey, boys!”

“Hi, Mr. Martin,” Lance said.

“What are you doing here?”

“Nothing,” Cow Chip said. “We have to go.”

“I’m shopping for toilet paper,” Mr. Martin said, “but I think they must have moved it since last time I was here!”

“Uhh… really…”

“Did I ever tell you about the time I was looking for toilet paper, and the whole… blah blah blah blah blah blah… and the man told me I was in the whole wrong store! I said I couldn’t be, because George Washington told me to come here right after he chopped down the telephone pole… blah blah blah blah blah…” Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Martin was still talking. “…and then finally the little guy who looked like Stephen King told me that I didn’t need toilet paper in the first place! Isn’t that a funny story?”

“Uh… yeah,” Lance replied.

Cow Chip said, “We have to go now, Mr. Martin. Uhh, have a nice pompatus.”

“Hey! You’re not supposed to say that! That’s my line!” Mr. Martin shouted.

“Not anymore!”


“Cow Chip? Lance?” Kevin called as he came out from the bathroom. “Where’d you go?”


“We better hurry up,” Lance said as the two of them left the sporting goods store. “Mr. Martin talked a long time.”

“But Kevin’s taking a dump,” Cow Chip replied. “That’ll keep him in there for hours.”

“Where do we go now?”

“Maybe that store out by the mall might have a football.”

“Okay. Let’s go there now.”

“I think I found Kevin’s football,” Lance said.

“Yeah, that’s it. Now let’s buy it and hurry home.”

“It’s a good thing you brought money, because I only have a dollar.”

“Money? I don’t have any.”

“You bunghole!”

“Well, then I guess we go home and blame it all on you, right?”

“Okay,” Lance replied. He thought about this for a minute. “Hey!”


“I wonder where my ball is?”


“Kevin’s going to kick our butts,” Cow Chip said.

“Look!” Lance pointed at a house down the street. “A garage sale! Maybe they’ll have a football like Kevin’s.”

“Well, it’s worth a try.”

Cow Chip and Lance walked around the garage sale, looking at the items on the tables. “I wonder whose house this is anyway?”

“Hello, childrens!” a familiar voice screeched.

Cow Chip said, “Does that answer your question?”

Mrs. von Tuts said, “Do you boys see anything you like?”

“We’re just looking right now,” Cow Chip replied.

“Okay! Well, if you’re interested, I have a cool green sweatshirt over there!”

“Okay. That’s nice,” Lance said.

“Look, Lance. Someone’s buying the sweatshirt,” Cow Chip said.


Cow Chip and Lance walked up to the man with the sweatshirt. “Hey, mister? Are there any footballs over there?”

“I saw one over there,” the man said.

“Uhh… didn’t I see you on ‘America’s Most Wanted’?”

“No!… That was some other dude.”

“Oh,” Lance said. “Well, you look like him.”

“I have to go. I need to mail a package before the Post Office closes,” the man told them.

“Hey, look,” Cow Chip said, pointing at the table. “Here’s the football.”

“Cool!” Lance replied. “I’s a perfect match!”

“It looks kind of old, though. Like it’s all hard and stiff.”

“How much does it cost? I have a dollar.”

“Let’s see… $1.01.”

“A dollar one? That sucks.”

“Oh well. Maybe she’ll let us have it.”


“Here’s the ball, in these bushes. It looks like a car almost hit it. Boy, how lucky that it’s completely undamaged.”


“I’m one cent short on the price for this football,” Lance said to Mrs. von Tuts. “Can I have it anyway?”

“That thing? I was going to give it away for free!” she said. “Sure, you can have it for a dollar!”

“Okay.”


“Where’d you go?” Kevin asked the boys when they got home.

“We’re too late! He’s out!” Lance screamed.

“Well, you see…” Cow Chip started to explain, then stopped. “What’s that ball you’re holding?”

“My ball,” Kevin answered. “I found it in a bush over there! I think a truck almost ran over it!”

“ALMOST ran over it?” Lance said, confused.

“And what’s the ball you’re holding?” Kevin asked.

“Oh. This…” Cow Chip said. “We wanted to go get another one.”

“Cool. Let’s me see it.” Cow Chip handed Kevin the ball. “Go long,” Kevin said.


Cow Chip ran across the field. Kevin passed the ball, and Cow Chip missed. The ball hit the ground, and…

“It popped?” Lance said.

“It looks like hitting the ground put a big hole in it,” Kevin explained. “Where’d you find that piece of crap? It looks like it came from an old lady’s garage sale!”

“Uh… well… at least it didn’t cost a whole lot,” Cow Chip added.

“Let’s go get a pizza,” Lance suggested. “What do you say, Kevin?”

“Sure, as long as that doesn’t come from an old lady’s garage sale too!”

THE END

Next episode – 2. “Passing Notes

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