TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
COW CHIP & LANCE
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright (c) 1996 by Dennis Simmons
Cow Chip, bored with class again, got out a piece of paper and began writing a note to Lance. “Meet me after class,” he wrote. “I’ll be taking a dump in the bathroom around the corner.” He tapped Wilson on the shoulder, telling him to pass it to Lance.
In the next row of the class, Lisa began writing a note to Matt. “I think you should ask Kelly out,” she wrote. “She really likes you, and she’s really fun to be with. Go for it!!!” Lisa passed this note to Wilson with instructions to pass it on to Matt.
Wilson passed Lisa’s note to Lance, and Cow Chip’s note to Matt.
“Kelly likes me?” Lance thought. “Cool! This is great!”
“Now why in the world does Lisa want to take a dump with me?” Matt wondered.
Something really weird happened today,” Cow Chip told Lance. “I went to the bathroom, and Matt Jackson was in there. He was all pissed off because he said a girl was going to meet him there. Now why would a girl meet him in the men’s room?”
“Weird,” Lance replied. “Matt Jackson is such a jerk.”
“That reminds me. Where’d you go after class? I told you to meet me in the bathroom.”
“You did?” Lance asked. “When?”
“In class today. I gave you a note.”
“I never got it,” Lance said. “But that reminds me! I got a note from Lisa. She says Kelly wants to go out with me!”
“No way,” Cow Chip said. “That can’t be true, because she wants me.”
“Hi. Lisa? This is Matt.”
“Hey, Matt. Did you get my note?”
“Uhh… yeah, I did. Why do you want me to–“
“What do you mean, why? You’ll have a great time! Right after class tomorrow, just go for it!”
Matt looked puzzled. “Okay,” he said. “Talk to you later.”
“Bye! Just remember, give it all you’ve got!”
Matt hung up the phone. “No girl has ever wanted to take a dump with me,” he thought.
“I want to be a mailman when I grow up!” Stevie said.
“Go home, kid. Your mama’s calling you,” Mr. Parker replied.
“Hi, Mr. Parker,” Cow Chip said to the mailman.
“Hi. That little kid is so annoying! He makes me get really… disgruntled!“
“Did I get any mail?” Lance asked.
“No… unless this is yours. It’s a T-shirt with pictures of horses’ butts on it. It’s addressed to ‘46 South Way,’ and there is no 46 South Way.”
“That would probably be for Mr. Martin,” Cow Chip said. “64 South Way. He would wear something like that.”
“Okay. Thanks,” Mr. Parker said.
Lance picked up the telephone and dialed Kelly’s number. After three rings, she answered. “Umm… who is this?” Lance said, nervously.
“This is Kelly,” the voice on the other end of the line said.
“Kelly? I wanted to… umm… well…”
“I think you have the wrong number,” Lance blurted out.
“Oh. I’m sorry,” Kelly said. She hung up and started to dial again. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I didn’t call anyone.”
“Just do it, Lance,” Cow Chip said. “You know Kelly likes you. She’s standing right over there. Just go up and ask her out.”
“Come on, Cow Chip. What if she says no?”
“So what if she says no? No one has to know. And if she says yes, then you’ll have yourselves a good time.”
“How would you know? It’s not like you’ve ever been out with anyone cool.”
“Shut up, Lance,” Cow Chip said.
“Lisa? Is that you?” Matt said.
“This is the men’s room, pervert!” said a voice outside the stall. “There ain’t no one named Lisa in here!”
“Hey, Lance! What’s up?” Kelly replied.
“Umm… nothing… what are you… umm… doing this weekend?” Lance stammered.
“Nothing,” she said. “What about you?”
“I was… umm… wondering if… maybe… you and I could… umm… go see a movie this Saturday.”
“Hey, that would be fun! I’ll call you tonight.”
“Great,” Lance said. Kelly walked away. Lance could not believe what had just happened. He was going to go out with Kelly!
“Where were you after class today?” Matt demanded.
“You said you were going to take a dump with me. This is two days in a row you didn’t show up.”
“Take a dump?” Lisa made an ugly face. “You’re disgusting! Where did you get that idea?”
“You gave me a note in class yesterday saying you would.”
“I did not! I sent you a note telling you to ask Kelly out because she really likes you.”
“What? Kelly likes me?”
“Yes! She thinks you’re really hot! You should ask her out!”
Matt felt like a complete fool. “So who wanted to take a dump with someone?”
“The notes must have been mixed up,” Lisa said. “I think that was Cow Chip sending a note to Lance.”
“So Lance got your note?” Matt asked.
“I’d go out with you, Matt, but I’m already going with Lance Hernandez,” Kelly said into the telephone. There was a loud click as Matt hung up.
“I’ll kill that little punk!” Matt screamed, at no one in particular.
“Wow. You’re cool. You got a date with Kelly,” Cow Chip told Lance.
“I know,” Lance said. “I can’t believe it either. And you know what? Once I asked her, it didn’t seem that scary.”
“Good for you.”
“Well this will seem scary, you little punk,” a voice said. The owner of the voice pushed Lance onto the ground.
“You stole my girl, fartknocker!” Matt said.
“Kelly’s not your girl,” Cow Chip said in Lance’s defense.
“Shut up, buttwipe! Biff, get him too,” Matt ordered. Before Cow Chip could react, some big tough guy pushed him to the ground too. Matt and Biff were about to kick Cow Chip and Lance in the head when suddenly someone hit Matt with a baseball bat. Biff turned around to see who the attacker was, but all he ever saw was the bat knocking him out cold too.
“What happened?” Lance said.
“Someone knocked out Matt and Biff with a baseball bat!”
“It’s Mr. Parker!” Lance screamed. “And he’s disgruntled!”
“Thanks, Mr. Parker,” Cow Chip said.
“Grrr…” Mr. Parker replied.
“He’s scaring me. Let’s get out of here.”
“Thanks again for coming with me, Kelly,” Lance said.
“You’re welcome,” she said. “Lisa told me that Matt Jackson was going to ask me out this weekend. Matt’s kind of a jerk. I’m glad I’m not out with him.”
Only kind of a jerk? Lance thought.
“I wonder if Matt ever found anyone to go out with tonight?” Kelly wondered.
“You know, Matt, I think you’re right,” Lisa said. “There’s something cool about this.”