TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
COW CHIP & LANCE
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright (c) 1996 by Dennis Simmons
“YOUR ASSIGNMENT TONIGHT,” Mrs. Kingsley said, “IS TO READ PAGES 1 TO 5000 OF WAR AND PEACE. WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A TEST TOMORROW.”
“This substitute teacher is really bad,” Lance said to Cow Chip. “She talks so loud too.”
“HERNANDEZ!” Mrs. Kingsley snapped. “WERE YOU TALKING IN CLASS AGAIN? ONE MORE TIME AND I’LL SEE YOU IN DETENTION!!!”
“Mrs. Kingsley has got to be the worst substitute teacher I’ve ever had,” Lance said as the two of them walked home.
“I hate to say this,” Cow Chip answered, “but I actually miss Mr. Miller. I hope he comes back tomorrow.”
“Hey, guys. What do you think of Mrs. Kingsley?” Wilson said as he joined the two of them.
“She really sucks,” Wilson said. “It’s a good thing I’ve read War and Peace eight times before.”
“Hey, Wilson. Did you hear Kevin and Melissa are moving to Salinas?” Cow Chip asked.
“Really? Your cousins are moving here? Are they going to go to Gief High?”
“No. They’re moving out north, by the mall. Not by Gief. They’re coming tomorrow. Lance and I are going to go have pizza with them tomorrow night, at that new pizza place in the mall. Want to come?”
“Okay,” Wilson said.
“Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Cow Chip! How’s it goin’?” Kevin asked.
“Great. School’s a little hard, though.”
“What’s going on in school? Is it a really tough substitute teacher, or something?”
“Yeah,” Cow Chip replied. “Something like that.”
“Lance! You got your hair back, I see,” Melissa said. The last time she saw him, he had just had an accident with hedge clippers.
“Wilson, this is Kevin, and Melissa,” Cow Chip introduced. “This is Wilson.”
“Hi. Nice to meet you,” Kevin said. “Now let’s go inside and get a pizza.”
“Guess what, guys,” Wilson asked.
“Cow Chip is a butt munch?” Lance guessed.
“Shut up,” Cow Chip replied.
“No. I have a date,” Wilson replied.
“A date?” Lance said. “How did that happen?”
“I’m going to have dinner with Sunbeam, my Internet girlfriend,” he said. “I can’t wait to meet her!”
“How do you know she’s not some weirdo?” Melissa asked.
“I just do. A certain trust develops between Internet friends.”
“My friend met an Internet boyfriend once,” Melissa said. “He turned out to be a 58-year-old pedophile.”
“Well,” said Wilson, “that was an isolated case. That doesn’t happen all the time. This is going to be different.”
“Wow,” Lance said. “You beat me again.”
“I thought you said you were the best Mortal Death player around,” Melissa teased.
“So, Wilson, where are you and Sunrise meeting?”
“Sunbeam,” Wilson corrected. “We’re going to have dinner at Joe’s Cafe this Friday at 7:00.”
“That’s cool,” Lance said. “I hope you have a good time.”
“Hurry up, boys!” Mr. Martin said, watching them from the side. “I want a turn!”
“I see you still have the hots for Melissa,” Cow Chip teased.
“Look, Cow Chip, if she wasn’t your cousin you would too.”
“It was nice of you to let her win at Mortal Death.”
“Yeah,” Lance said, neglecting to mention the fact that he didn’t let Melissa win.
“Hello, childrens,” Mrs. von Tuts said as she walked by. “I’m really happy today!”
“Hi,” Lance said. “Why are you happy?”
“I’m going to go meet my Internet boyfriend! We’re going to have dinner!”
“Really?” Cow Chip asked.
“Really! We’re meeting Friday at 7:00 at Joe’s Cafe! I have to go now! Bye bye, childrens!”
Cow Chip looked at Lance. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” he asked.
“I’m thinking about how your cousin Melissa is a hot babe, so if I am, then you’re a sick pervert.”
“No, moron! Wilson is going out with Mrs. von Tuts!”
“Hi, guys. Come on in, but I’m not going to do your homework for you.”
“This isn’t about homework,” Cow Chip said. “We need to talk.”
“You know Sunchips, your Internet girlfriend?” Lance asked.
“Sunbeam. What about her?” Wilson replied.
“Lance? Come here.” Cow Chip took Lance aside. “I think it would be better if we didn’t tell him like that. He’ll freak out.”
Cow Chip and Lance walked back into Wilson’s room. “Umm… what was I going to say…” Cow Chip said. “Oh yeah. I saw on TV that Friends was going to be on Friday night instead of Thursday this week. So you can’t go out with Sunset.”
“I’ll tape it!” Wilson said. “Then Sunbeam and I will come home after dinner and watch it. You guys can come too! We’ll have a party!”
“No!” Lance said. “We… umm… have to do something that night.”
“Well…” Cow Chip said, “You don’t even know her. Aren’t you worried about, like, embarrassing yourself or something?”
“You’re just jealous,” Wilson said. “Nothing embarrassing ever happens to me.”
Just then there was a knock at the door. All three of them went to answer it. “Are you Wilson Peterson?” a delivery man asked.
“Yes, I am,” Wilson replied.
“You got a package from NBC. Your Official Friends Boxer Shorts are here.”
“I HEARD FROM MR. MILLER TODAY. HE WILL BE BACK TOMORROW,” Mrs. Kingsley hollered. The entire class applauded, and Mrs. Kingsley did not appear amused.
The bell rang. “GO HOME,” Mrs. Kingsley said.
Cow Chip thought for a minute. “We’ve got to think of a way to stop Wilson from going out with Mrs. von Tuts,” he said.
“Hi. Are you Wilson Peterson?
“Yes,” Wilson answered. “Who is this?”
“This is your uncle. I’m sorry to tell you this, but your aunt died.”
“Yes. We need you to come to a funeral, Friday night at 7:00.”
“Hmm. Which uncle is this?”
Lance thought for a second. “You know. Uncle Peterson. Who did you think it was?”
“I don’t know,” Wilson said. “You almost sound like this guy I know.”
“Yeah. His name is Lance Hernandez. He’s a real butt munch, and he’s jealous because I have a date and he doesn’t.”
“I am not jealous!” Lance screamed.
“Got’cha, Lance,” Wilson replied. “Nice try.”
A few minutes later there was a knock on Wilson’s door. When Wilson answered the door, no one was there, but the knocker had left a note taped to the door.
I am so sorry, my love, but I'm afraid I have to cancel our date for this Friday,
the note began.
How does Sunbeam know where I live? Wilson wondered.
Something has come up and I have to leave town.
Sunbeam’s handwriting looks a lot like Cow Chip’s, Wilson observed.
Sincerely yours, Sunflower
“Sunflower?” Wilson said. “Dang it, why won’t Cow Chip and Lance just leave me alone?”
“In fifteen minutes, Wilson’s going to find out who his beloved Sunspot really is,” Cow Chip said.
“Why don’t we just tell him the truth?” Lance asked.
“At this point, that just might be a good idea.” Cow Chip picked up the phone.
“Hello?” Mrs. Peterson answered.
“Hi, Mrs. Peterson. Is Wilson there?”
“No, he isn’t. He just left.”
“Thanks. Gotta go.” Cow Chip hung up. “He just left,” he said to Lance. “We’ve got to get to Joe’s Cafe before he does!”
“How?” Lance asked. “We don’t have a car.”
“Dang it, Lance, that’s one of those details that the writers of this cartoon hoped no one would ever notice! But now you have to go and bring it up for all of America to wonder! You just ruined the show!”
“Sorry,” Lance said. “Let’s forget about that and get to Joe’s.”
“We’re in time!” Cow Chip said. “Wilson isn’t here.”
“Hello, childrens! What are you doing here?” Mrs. von Tuts said.
“We’re… uhh… meeting a friend here,” Lance explained. “Hey, look. There he is now.”
Wilson came running up to the door. As soon as he saw Cow Chip and Lance, he got angry. “I told you two to leave me alone!” he said.
“Wilson,” Cow Chip said, “there’s something Lance and I have been meaning to tell you for the past few days. We’re not jealous. It’s more important than that. I’m sorry we’ve been bugging you so much.”
“What is it?” Wilson asked.
“Do you know this woman?” Cow Chip gestured toward Mrs. von Tuts.
“Yeah. That’s your neighbor.”
“That, my friend, is Sunshine.”
“Sunbeam,” Wilson corrected. He paused. “What?!”
“Look,” Wilson said to Mrs. von Tuts. “I’m really sorry. I think I’m much too young to go on a date with you.”
“What are you talking about?” Mrs. von Tuts asked.
“You’re meeting a guy you met on the Internet here, right?”
“Well, it’s me.”
“No it isn’t,” Mrs. von Tuts said. “This is my Internet boyfriend, Nosebomb.”
“What?” Cow Chip said. “You’re not looking for someone named Wilson?”
“No,” Mrs. von Tuts replied. “This is my sweetie right here. Who are you looking for?”
“Sunbeam,” he said. “She said she was going to be wearing a red dress.” Wilson walked into the restaurant. “I don’t see anyone in a red dress.”
“Did you say Sunbeam?” a man behind the counter said. “Someone named Sunbeam called and left a message for Wilson. She said she was going to be a little late.
Fifteen minutes later, Sunbeam still had not shown up. “I guess I got stood up,” Wilson said, sadly.
“Don’t worry about it,” Cow Chip said. “Let’s go over to your place. You can show me some cool Internet sites.”
“First,” Wilson said, “I want to e-mail Sunbeam and apologize for not getting to meet her. Then I’m going to tell her we better not meet until we know each other better. I just have a feeling we won’t get along if we meet right now.”
“I think you’re doing the right thing,” Cow Chip said.
Dear Sunbeam, I am sorry you couldn't make it tonight. I don't think this is a good time for us to meet each other. We haven't known each other very long, and there might be some unpleasant surprises that come out if we meet right now.
So I would like to continue our Internet friendship, and remain your faceless friend. Always, Wilson
After she finished reading her e-mail, Mrs. Edna “Sunbeam” Kingsley said, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!! WE’LL GET ALONG JUST FINE!!!”
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