TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
COW CHIP & LANCE
“What’s Cooking”
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright © 1997, 2001 by Dennis Simmons
“Cow Chip?” Mr. Miller called. “Where’s Lance?”
“He told me to give you this,” Cow Chip replied, handing Mr. Miller a note.
“Dear Mr. Miller,” he read. “Please excuse Lance Hernandez from school today. He has the song ‘Take a Chance On Me,’ by Abba, going through his head. He had to go to the emergency room for it this morning.” Mr. Miller turned to Cow Chip. “Wow. Your friend is in really bad shape. I hope he pulls through.”
“Did you take notes for me in class today?” Lance asked Cow Chip.
“Yeah,” Cow Chip said. He handed Lance his notes from Mr. Miller’s class. As Lance looked through the notes, he began to sing. Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me…
“You still have that song going through your head?” Cow Chip asked Lance.
“Yes! I need help! It’s so annoying!”
The telephone rang. Cow Chip walked over and picked it up. “Hello?”
“Hi. Cow Chip? This is Brad.”
“Hi, Brad,” Cow Chip said. “How are you?”
“Good. I was wondering if you and Lance wanted to come over for a party on Saturday.”
“A party?”
“Yeah, dude. Can you come?”
“Sure! We’d love to.”
“Also, do you think you can make a dessert? Cookies, brownies, a cake, whatever you want.”
“Yeah. We can do that.”
“Great. I’ll see you here on Saturday, then. Around 7:00.”
“Cool. See you later,” Cow Chip said.
“Who was that?” Lance asked.
“Brad. He invited us to a party on Saturday.”
“Cool!”
“Yeah. We have to make a dessert.”
“Uh-oh,” Lance said. “We don’t know how to make any desserts.”
“Come on. How hard can it be?”
Cow Chip looked through the cookbook. “I can’t find chocolate chip cookies,” he said. “What about you, Lance?”
“I think this might work,” he said. He read through his cookbook. It was quiet for a few seconds. Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me… Lance sang.
“That’s it,” Cow Chip said. “If you can’t stop singing that, I’m taking you to the emergency room.”
“Well, son, you have a pretty severe case of Annoying Song Disorder,” the doctor said. “This disorder affects thousands of Americans every day, and it can be extremely bad for one’s concentration. In fact, just last week an ASD patient died in a car accident. He took his hands off the steering wheel after having a sudden urge to do the Macarena.”
“Whoa,” Lance said.
“Yes, ASD could be even more dangerous than Taco Neck Syndrome. But it’s curable. I’ll fill out a prescription.” The doctor scribbled something on a sheet of paper and gave it to Lance. “Take this to a drug store.”
“Thanks, Dr. Young,” Lance said.
“I’d like to get this prescription filled,” Lance told the pharmacist.
“One minute.” The pharmacist went into the back room. “Here you go,” he said, handing something to Lance.
“A CD? Where’s my medicine?”
“This is it. Just listen to this CD over and over again. It’s got lots of catchy tunes on it. One of them is sure to knock your trouble song out of your head.”
“But won’t I get a new song in my head then?”
“You could. That’s a side effect. Then you just listen to it again. Pretty soon your head will be so full of tunes you’ll forget which one you have an uncontrollable urge to sing.”
The afternoon before Brad’s party, Lance was mixing the partially prepared cookie batter. He looked out the window and saw Wilson walk by. Wilson waved at Lance, and Lance waved back.
Little bits of cookie dough flew all over the room. “Hey!” Cow Chip shouted when one hit him in the face. He picked up the ice cream cone he had been eating. He was unaware that cookie dough had landed there too. He took a lick of ice cream. “This tastes really good,” he said. “Thanks, Lance.”
“You’re welcome,” Lance said.
“The sad thing is the timing of all this. I mean, if those hippies in Vermont hadn’t thought of this first, I could be a millionaire by now.”
There was a pause in the conversation. “Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” Lance started singing.
“Oh, no,” Cow Chip said. “Side effects. You better go play that CD again. I’ll work on the cookies while you’re listening.”
“Billie Jean is not my lover,” came Michael Jackson’s voice from the CD player. As Lance got up and did the moonwalk, someone opened at the door.
Melissa peeked her head in and saw Lance dancing. “Am I interrupting anything?”
Lance looked embarrassed. “Hi, Melissa. I have to listen to this CD of catchy songs because I’ve been having problems with songs stuck in my head.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just wanted to see if you and Cow Chip were going to Brad’s tonight.”
“Yeah. We’re making chocolate chip cookies for it.”
“Cool. I’m bringing chips.”
“You got the easy job.” Lance walked over and turned off the CD player. He and Melissa sat on the couch and started talking.
“Once when I was in fourth grade, I had ‘U Can’t Touch This’ stuck in my head all day. I almost got up out of my seat and started dancing,” Melissa said.
“I think my disease is entering a new stage,” Lance replied. “Now I’m getting really weird songs in my head.”
“I hope it gets better.” They both paused.
“Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?” Lance sang.
“Hey, Lance?” Cow Chip asked from the kitchen. “How many chocolate chips do I put in these cookies?”
“Yes, sir, yes, sir…,” Lance coutinued, not hearing Cow Chip’s question. He turned into the kitchen. “Three bags full.” he sang.
“Thanks,” Cow Chip replied. He got three bags of chocolate chips out of the cupboard and put them in the batter. Lance got two sodas out of the refrigerator. He returned to the living room and gave one to Melissa while he kept the other for himself.
“So how did the cookies turn out?” Melissa asked as she and Lance went into the kitchen.
“See for yourself,” Cow Chip replied.
“They look a little chocolatey,” Melissa observed.
“Oh well. They’ll have to do. If we don’t leave soon, we’ll miss the party. Come on. Let’s go.”
“This is cool,” Cow Chip said. “I’m in the mood for a party tonight. I just hope everyone likes our cookies.”
“I feel so much better,” Lance said. “I don’t have any song going through my head anymore.”
“Cool! How’d you do it?”
“I don’t know. It just happened.”
“Cow Chip! Lance! Melissa!” Brad greeted them. “Glad you could make it.”
“Hi, Brad,” Lance said.
“Are those your cookies? Put them over here.” Brad gestured toward a table. Cow Chip placed the cookies on the table without uncovering them. “So how’s your day going?”
“It’s okay. How’s yours?”
“Good. I played Ultimate Frisbee this morning. Then I went over to Kevin’s house, and we watched Star Wars. It was a cool day. What did you do?”
“Umm… I worked on these cookies for a while.”
“Great! Can I try one?” Brad grabbed for the aluminum foil on top of the bowl of cookies.
“No!” Cow Chip said. He stood right in front of the cookies.
“Why not?”
“Umm… because. I wanted them to be… umm… a surprise.”
“Yeah,” Lance said. “You can’t eat them yet. Not until we get to the party.” Cow Chip gave Lance a confused look.
“Well, you’re here. Let’s try them out.” Brad reached around Cow Chip and grabbed a cookie. Cow Chip waited nervously.
“These are great! And hecka-chocolatey, too! Where did you get the idea to put in so many chocolate chips? That’s cool, dude!”
“Well…” Cow Chip started to explain.
“We just wanted to try it,” Lance finished.
“That’s cool, guys. You took a chance and tried something new. I really admire people who can take a chance.” Brad paused. “Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me,” he started singing.
“Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me,” Lance joined in.
“No!!! Not again!!!” Cow Chip screamed.
THE END
Also Starring
BRADLEY BURSCH
as Brad
Previous episode: 7. “Community Service“
Next episode: 9. “A Cow Chip & Lance Christmas“
Cow Chip & Lance 