TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
COW CHIP & LANCE
“Community Service”
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright (c) 1997 by Dennis Simmons
Lance looked at his Spanish exam. “Por que Juan viene tarde a su clase?” the question asked. Lance had no idea what was wrong with Juan. He looked at the clock and saw that less than a minute was left before the bell.
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena, he wrote.
Lance walked to his next class and sat down next to Cow Chip.
“How was your Spanish test?” Cow Chip asked.
“It was hard,” Lance replied. “I don’t think I did all that well. I don’t need another class where I need to bring my grade up. I’m doing badly enough in this class.”
The bell rang, and Ms. Tilley began speaking. “Class, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and I got a great idea. My friend volunteers with the Senior Friends program. These people visit senior citizens and differently-abled people who live alone. Remember that you have a community service requirement in this class. If you’re interested in doing this, let me know.”
“Maybe we should do it,” Cow Chip said. “We need to do community service in order to pass this class.”
“Yeah. But we’d have to hang out with old people.”
“That might not be so bad. Maybe we’ll get cool partners, like your grandpa. Remember how he came with us to toilet-paper Principal McCabe’s house?”
“You’re right. Let’s go,” Lance said.
“What do you do when you hang out with old people?” Lance wondered.
“Just turn on ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and bring them a Reader’s Digest.”
“That doesn’t always work,” Lance said. “Although if they’re like my grandpa, they can’t take their eyes off Vanna.”
“You’re going to hang out with old people to bring your grade up?” Melissa said.
“Yeah. Isn’t it a great idea?” Lance said.
“It’s convenient. But what it really sounds like is that the writers were desperate for a story this month.”
“It’ll be fun! Maybe you can come along when I go out with my senior citizen friend.”
“Maybe,” Melissa replied.
“I have the names of your senior citizen friends,” Ms. Tilley said after class. “Come up and get their names and phone numbers now.”
Cow Chip and Lance walked up to see who they would be working with.
“I don’t believe this,” Cow Chip said. “‘Helen von Tuts, 555-4432.’ What could be worse than having Mrs. von Tuts as my partner?”
“This,” Lance replied, handing Cow Chip his assignment.
MR. MARTIN. 64 SOUTH WAY SALINAS, CA 93901 555-4050
it said.
Cow Chip knocked on the door. “Coming!” Mrs. von Tuts’ voice said.
“Hi, children! What are you doing here?” Mrs. von Tuts asked.
“I’m your partner for the Senior Friends program,” Cow Chip replied.
“Oh, goodie! We’re going to have so much fun together! What are we going to do today?”
“Well, I was thinking maybe we could go see a movie.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun! What movie?”
“I picked out one I know I want to see… umm… I mean, one I know you want to see. We better leave now, so we can get there early.”
“Who’s that?” Mrs. von Tuts asked.
“That’s C3PO and R2-D2,” Cow Chip replied.
“How come the short guy can’t talk?”
“Because he can’t. He’s a droid.”
“Shhh…” the people sitting behind them said.
A few minutes later Mrs. von Tuts asked, “Who’s that?”
“That’s Princess Leia,” Cow Chip answered.
“What are those things on her ears?”
“That’s her hair.”
“She’s pretty. I like her hair.”
“Shh…” the people sitting behind them said.
“I love that movie!” Cow Chip shouted. “What did you think?”
“Huh?” Mrs. von Tuts asked.
“I love movies with great special effects. You know what would really be cool? If I could just be walking along and suddenly someone would put some special effects into my life.”
“Hey, Cow Chip!” a voice said. Cow Chip looked around and saw who was calling him.
“Hi, Brad,” he said.
“What did you think, dude?” Brad asked him.
“It was cool.”
“It was hecka-cool! Better than the first 57 times I saw it! Where’s Lance?”
“He’s busy today working on a class project.”
“He has to see it, dude,” Brad said. “Tell him he has to see Star Wars.”
“So, Mr. Martin, how was your day?” Lance asked.
“It was great! I took a big dump!” Mr. Martin screamed.
“That’s nice.” Lance was embarrassed.
“Q-zar! It’s the bomb!”
“Huh?”
“Never mind,” Mr. Martin said. “Some people just don’t get it.”
They walked along for a few minutes. Suddenly Mr. Martin pushed Lance, and Lance’s foot went into a pile of dog-doo. “X!” Lance said. “What was that for?”
Mr. Martin was laughing loudly. “You stepped in ca-ca!” he said. Lance was not happy.
“Ms. Tilley?” Cow Chip said after class. “I’m really having trouble with this Senior Friends assignment. I was wondering if I could back out.”
“Yeah,” Lance said. “Me too.”
“Well, boys, these senior citizens are really depending on you to brighten their day, and they would be so disappointed if you backed out on them. If you do back out, you won’t get credit, but it will be such a disappointment to your partners. They’ll be heartbroken.”
“Okay,” Cow Chip said. “I think I’ll just not take credit, then.”
“And also,” Ms. Tilley continued, “I’ll fail your butts out of this class.”
“Hey, Lance? We have to go meet our senior citizen partners now, don’t we?”
“Yeah,” Lance replied. “Let’s go.”
“I’ll have a cheeseburger,” Lance said. “With extra spaghetti sauce, but no chocolate chips.”
“I’ll have a turkey sandwich with ice cream and Grey Poupon,” Mr. Martin said.
“Okay,” said the waiter. He took their order to the cook. When the cook saw it, he said, “What? Lance Hernandez and Mr. Martin are eating here together?!”
“I’m ready to go shopping!” Mrs. von Tuts said.
“What did you do to your hair?” Cow Chip asked.
“I made it just like that lady in the movie! Do you like it?”
“Umm…” Cow Chip said.
“Let’s go shopping!”
“Where are we going?”
“Sears,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to see the softer side of Sears.”
“Can we stop at the arcade first? I want to play Mortal Death.”
“Sure! I love Mortal Death!”
“You?” Cow Chip asked. “You love Mortal Death?”
Cow Chip stared at the screen, unable to believe that Mrs. von Tuts had beaten him a third time in a row.
“Do you give up yet?” she said. “Or are you thirsty for more?”
Lance put the movie he rented into the VCR and sat down on the couch with Melissa.
“How’s that commmunity service project coming?” she asked.
“Mr. Martin is a pain. He pushed me in dog crap, and he ordered a cooler sandwich than mine. He said he was going to come over tonight, but I told him not to. I made sure to lock the door.”
“He pushed you in dog-doo?” Melissa asked. “X!” After a couple of seconds, Melissa burst out laughing. “I’m starting to talk like you, Lance.” Lance laughed too.
The two of them continued watching the movie. At a particularly romantic scene, Lance slowly began to move his arm around Melissa, but he stopped when he heard a noise coming from the window.
“Hey there! A movie! Let’s party!” Mr. Martin said.
“No!!!!” Lance and Melissa both screamed in unison.
“The biggest thing that this project taught me is that our senior citizens can bring us lots of… interesting experiences. I would encourage everyone to work with this program,” Lance said.
“That was wonderful!” Ms. Tilley said. “You get an A! In fact, I’m going to give my friend your name so maybe you could become a permanent volunteer with Senior Friends! Won’t that be wonderful?”
“Umm…” Lance thought of a way to respond. “I don’t think I can. I’m allergic to dog crap.”
“Huh? Dog crap?” Ms. Tilley said.
“Mr. Martin pushed me in dog crap.”
“Did you say Mr. Martin?” Ms. Tilley repeated. “Mr. Martin was your partner? I gave you the wrong paper! I didn’t have his name down as a partner! I wrote him down as my nomination for the ‘Most Annoying Man in Salinas’ Award! You get 10 points extra credit for working with him!”
“Score!” Lance exclaimed.
Previous episode: 6. “Happy Birthday“
Next episode: 8. “What’s Cooking“
Cow Chip & Lance 