TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
COW CHIP & LANCE
“Happy Birthday”
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright (c) 1996 by Dennis Simmons
Cow Chip turned on the television.
Together, the two football players said, “And we’re here to remind you to say No to drugs!”
Cow Chip turned to Lance. “Somehow I have a feeling they could have found someone better to do that commercial.”
Lance looked at the strange-looking man on the television. “X!” he said. “What are you watching?”
“Well, that guy looks like he’s half-human and half-alien. So it’s either X-Files or Ricki Lake,” Cow Chip replied.
Just then the phone rang. “I’ll get it,” Cow Chip said. He walked to the telephone and picked it up. “Hello?”
“Cow Chip? It’s Kevin.”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I need to ask you something. Melissa’s birthday is on Saturday, and we’re going to have a surprise party for her. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come.”
“Sure!” Cow Chip said.
“Great!”
“I love surprise parties. How are you setting it up? Is she going to be gone on Saturday?”
“Well,” Kevin explained, “I haven’t thought of that yet. It would be nice if I could find someone to take her out to lunch or something.”
“I know the perfect person,” Cow Chip said. He turned away from the receiver. “Hey, Lance! How’d you like to go out with Melissa?”
Lance’s heart rate jumped, and steam began to come out of his ears. “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” he screamed. “She wants me.”
“Cow Chip!” Kevin said. “Do you really think she’ll want to go out with Lance?”
“It’s worth a try. I’ve got a plan. Is Melissa home now?”
“No, she’s not. I wouldn’t be calling you if she was.”
“I’ll call her tonight,” Cow Chip said. “Let me handle it.”
“Okay,” Kevin said. After he hung up, he said to himself, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Hello?”
“Melissa? It’s your favorite cousin.”
“That can’t be right,” Melissa answered, “because this sounds like Cow Chip.”
“Very funny,” Cow Chip replied. “I was talking to your brother the other day, and he said tomorrow was your birthday. I wanted to wish you happy birthday.”
“Aww, thanks,” Melissa replied. “That’s sweet of you.”
“Lance and I wanted to take you out to lunch on Saturday.”
“Thanks! I’d love to go.”
“There’s a problem, though,” Cow Chip continued. “I can’t go because… I have a field trip. So it would just be you and Lance. Is that okay?”
“Sure!”
Cow Chip breathed a sigh of relief. She fell for it, he thought. “Great. Lance will call you tomorrow and you can figure out a time and place, then.” Cow Chip and Melissa talked for a few more minutes. Then Cow Chip hung up, thinking of ways he could help with the birthday party.
“Hey, Lance,” Cow Chip asked. “Kevin needs to think of some ideas for Melissa’s party. He wants to surprise her in a really cool way. Do you have any ideas?”
“Hmm…” Lance thought. “I can’t think of anything.”
“Maybe Wilson might have some good ideas.”
“Hey, Wilson?” Cow Chip called out.
“Yes, neighbor?” the man behind the fence replied.
“Sorry, mister,” Cow Chip said. “I’ve got the wrong guy.”
SATURDAY
“So how’s life going?” Lance asked.
“I’m pretty good,” Melissa replied. “When I first moved to Salinas a few months ago, it felt weird to be here, but I’m used to it now.”
“That’s cool. I’m doing pretty well too.”
The waiter walked up to the table. “Are you ready to order yet?”
“Yes,” Lance said. “You first, Melissa.”
“I’d like the turkey sandwich.”
“And you, sir?” the waiter asked Lance.
“Cheeseburger. Can I get that with extra chocolate sauce?”
“Cheeseburger? Chocolate sauce?” Uhh… okay.”
A few minutes later, the cook saw the order for a cheeseburger with extra chocolate sauce. Lance Hernandez must be here today, he thought.
“Hey, boy! Where are you going?” Mr. Martin asked.
“Hi, Mr. Martin. I’m going to a birthday party.”
“I love birthdays!” Mr. Martin said. “I have a birthday too, you know!”
“When is your birthday?”
“November 32!”
“I see,” Cow Chip said.
“Can I come with you to the birthday party?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Aww… Well, have a nice pompatus! Buh-bye!”
Cow Chip reached into his pocket to get something. As he was pulling his hand out, a penny dropped to the ground. Mr. Martin saw it and picked it up. “You dropped something!” he called out. But Cow Chip did not hear him. “I better go follow him!” Mr. Martin said.
“I’m going to be honest with you, Lance,” Melissa said. “I know what’s going on. Cow Chip isn’t on a field trip today.”
Lance suddenly felt uneasy. “What do you mean?”
“I know why he told you to take me out to lunch. You didn’t just want to wish me happy birthday.”
Lance reluctantly stopped trying to cover the truth. “You’re right. Actually we’re–“
“I know,” Melissa interrupted. “You really wanted to go on a date with me, and Cow Chip is trying to set us up.”
“How does the sign look?” Cow Chip said.
“‘Happy Brithday?’ Today isn’t Melissa’s ‘brithday,'”Kevin replied.
“I’ll fix that,” Wilson said.
“Thanks for letting Wilson come,” Cow Chip told Kevin.
“No problem. I just hope Melissa really is surprised.” Kevin paused. “It smells like something is burning.”
“The cake!” Cow Chip screamed. He ran toward the kitchen.
Why did I let Cow Chip bake the cake? Kevin thought. I have a bad feeling that something else is going to go wrong really soon.
Just then there was a knock on the door.
“Hey, boys!” Mr. Martin said. “Is Potato Chip McDavis here? He dropped this!”
“You mean Cow Chip McDavid? He’s right over there,” Kevin said. “Hey, Cow Chip? Isn’t this your neighbor, Mr. Martin?”
Before he could say anything, Mr. Martin screamed, “All right! A party! Where’s the food?” Mr. Martin went running to the kitchen, tripping over half of the decorations on his way.
“Cow Chip!” Kevin said. “We need to talk.”
As soon as Cow Chip walked over to Kevin, Kevin said, “Get your neighbor out of here!!”
Lance wasn’t sure what to say. He had always wanted to go out with Melissa, but he obviously did not want to tell her so suddenly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I hope you’re not mad at me.”
“No! I think it’s really sweet of you.”
“Really?” Lance said. “You do?”
“Yes. And while I don’t know whether or not there’s a future for us, I do know that you’re a cool guy, and I’d like to hang out with you more often. After all, before you I had never been out with a guy who eats hamburgers with chocolate sauce.”
“Wow,” Lance said. “Thanks.” He smiled.
“We’ve got to hurry and fix the balloons! Lance and Melissa will be here in five minutes!” Kevin said. “Wilson! Is the cake frosted yet?”
“Just finished,” he said. “If I can keep it away from–“
“Cake! Me want cake!” Mr. Martin said.
“Mr. Martin!” Cow Chip shouted. “Thank you for returning the penny, but will you please settle down? You’re ruining the party! You’re not even supposed to be here!”
“Mr. Martin,” Kevin said, “you can stay for the party if you promise to settle down and not ruin things. Lance and Melissa are going to be home any minute now, and we need everyone to be quiet so we can surprise them.”
“Okay,” Mr. Martin said.
Lance and Melissa walked up to the door. They were holding hands. “I’m glad we got to spend lunch together,” Lance said.
Melissa giggled. “Me too.” After a pause of a few seconds, she leaned over to give Lance a kiss on the cheek. But before she could, the door slammed open.
“SURPRISE!” Mr. Martin shouted.
Melissa said, “Thanks! No one has ever given me a surprise party before! This is so cool!”
“Come on in,” Kevin said. “We have cake.”
“Kevin?” Lance said. “Why in the heck is Mr. Martin here?”
“Sorry,” Cow Chip replied. “He followed me here, and I didn’t want to ask him to leave.”
“She was going to kiss me, and he ruined it! Mr. Martin, you’re a sick and twisted old man!”
“Hey!” Mr. Martin replied. “At least she was surprised!”
“And it looks like Melissa likes you,” Cow Chip said.
“I guess you’re right. There’s nothing I can do now, except… well…”
“…Have a nice pompatus!” Mr. Martin finished.
Previous episode: 5. “Trick or Treat“
Next episode: 7. “Community Service“
Cow Chip & Lance 