TWO FIFTY PRODUCTIONS presents
COW CHIP & LANCE
“The Commercial”
Written and Drawn by Dennis Simmons
Copyright (c) 1996 by Dennis Simmons
1989
“Do you go to Gief High?” the strange man asked Cow Chip.
“Gief High?” Cow Chip asked. “I’m only in the third grade! But I’m going to Gief when I grow up!”
“I went to Gief High,” the man said. “I played football for them. I scored four touchdowns in one game. It was against East Salinas High, back in 1984.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Something really funny happened in that game. This crazy guy came running out of the stands and took a leak on the field. The guy’s name was Dick Brown.”
“Dick Brown?” Cow Chip said. “That’s a funny name. Why are you telling me this?”
“Trust me. This knowledge will come in handy someday.”
1996
“We interrupt this program to bring you a special report,” the announcer on television said. Lance groaned.
“There has been a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. The cause of the crash remains uncertain. The plane was carrying three passengers, who have been identified as Michael Bolton, Jennifer Aniston, and Deion Sanders. All three are feared dead.”
“Cool!” Lance said.
“Hey, Lance! Wake up. You fell asleep,” Cow Chip’s voice said.
Lance looked around. “You just ruined the best dream of my life!” he shouted.
“Don’t tell me it was the one with Michael Bolton and Jennifer Aniston in the plane crash again,” Cow Chip said.
“Deion!!” Lance replied. “Deion was with them too!”
“Whoa… Sorry, dude. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“I’ve got to take a dump,” Cow Chip told Lance. He walked into the bathroom. Lance turned on the radio.
“You’re listening to ROCK-99,” the DJ said. “It’s time for the Completely Random Useless Knowledge Contest, sponsored by Fizzy-Cola. Be the first caller with the correct answer, and you will appear in a Fizzy-Cola commercial!”
Lance ran to get the telephone as the DJ continued. “Today’s Completely Random Useless Question is… In 1984, during a high school football game between Gief and East Salinas, a crazy man came running out of the stands and took a leak on the field. What was his name?”
Cow Chip came out of the bathroom. “Hey, Cow Chip?” Lance asked. “What was the name of the guy who peed on the field during a football game between Gief and East Salinas High in 1984?”
“Dick Brown!” Cow Chip screamed, with no idea where that name came from.
“Thanks!” Lance ran to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” Cow Chip asked?
But it was too late. The DJ began to speak again on the radio. “We have a winner,” he said. “Lance Hernandez of Salinas has the correct answer, Dick Brown! Lance is going to appear on a Fizzy-Cola TV commercial! Lance, one more question: Who plays the best music?”
“Rock 99,” Lance said.
“That was my answer!” Cow Chip said. “I should be on that commercial!”
“I made the call,” Lance said. “You were taking a dump. You weren’t even listening to the radio when they asked the question.”
“You suck.”
“You suck,” Lance said. “You should be happy for me. But instead you’re a jealous butt-munch.”
Just then the phone rang. “I’ll get it,” Cow Chip said. “Hello?” he said into the receiver.
“Is Lance there?” the voice said.
“Yeah.” Cow Chip turned to Lance. “It’s for you.”
“Hey, Lance! It’s Wilson! I was just listening to the radio! I heard you won!”
“Yeah,” Lance said. “I’m going to be on a Fizzy commercial!”
“Cool!” Wilson replied.
The phone rang again. Cow Chip answered it.
“Is Lance there?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Wrong number,” Cow Chip said and hung up.
“Hey, Lance,” Kelly said. “I heard you on the radio last night! That’s pretty cool! You’re going to be on a commercial!”
“Yeah,” Lance said.
“Do you have a lab partner for today’s experiment?”
Lance looked at Cow Chip and thought. “No,” he said.
“Come on. Work with me.”
Cow Chip looked around for a new lab partner. He turned to Dave, the guy sitting next to him. “Hey, Dave,” Cow Chip asked. “Do you have a partner?”
“No,” he said. “I’ll work with you.”
“This sucks. Lance is even getting chicks now,” Cow Chip said. “He’s going to be in that stupid Fizzy commercial, and it should be me. He thinks he’s so cool.”
“That’s the Fizzy guy?” Dave exclaimed. “Cool! I’m going to go get his autograph!” Dave walked over to Lance.
Cow Chip made an angry grunt. “No one wants to talk to me. What do I have to do to get attention around here?? Do a vault and sprain my ankle??”
“No,” Dave said after he got back. “That only works if you’re cute and perky.”
“You haven’t said anything to me all the way home,” Lance said.
“That’s because you’re a jerk.”
“Look. Just shut up. You’re jealous because I’m going to be on TV and you’re not.”
“Well, that should be me on that commercial. The announcer said you needed the right answer, and I knew it.”
“But you told it to me, and you weren’t even listening to the radio when the contest came on. Look, Cow Chip, if it’s possible to get two people on that commercial, you can come on with me. But there’s only one part, and I think I won it fairly.”
Cow Chip was still angry, but he followed Lance into the Fast Mart anyway.
“Give me a Fizzy-Cola,” Lance said, placing a bottle of Fizzy-Cola and a dollar bill on the counter.
“Aren’t you Lance Hernandez, the Fizzy guy?” the man behind the counter asked.
“Yeah.”
“Cool! I’m waiting to see you in the commercial.”
“The taping is this Saturday. I can’t wait either.”
“Does your friend always stand here and not talk?”
“NO!” Cow Chip screamed, angrily.
Cow Chip followed Lance out of the store. “Look at this, Cow Chip. A Fizzy Stuff catalog. If I drink enough Fizzy-Cola, I can send away for free Fizzy Stuff.”
Cow Chip grabbed the catalog from out of Lance’s hands. “Fizzy T-shirts… Fizzy basketballs… Fizzy mountain bike? Fizzy car? And a Fizzy Airplane for 500 billion Fizzy Points?”
“You can get an airplane in that catalog? A real airplane?” Lance asked.
“Yes! Who the heck would want a free Fizzy Airplane? It probably doesn’t even fly!”
“Now look what happened! You’re fired! I told you we shouldn’t have ordered our new jets out of the Fizzy Stuff catalog!”
“Hey, Cow Chip. What are you doing here?” Wilson asked.
“Hey, Wilson. I came to hang out.”
“You? You want to hang out with me? Cool! Where’s Lance?”
“He’s out with Kelly. Why does he get all the chicks? It’s not fair.”
“Maybe it’s because he’s the Fizzy-Cola guy,” Wilson replied.
“I should be the Fizzy-Cola guy. I was the one who told him the answer.”
“Cheer up, Cow Chip. My girlfriend has a friend who is single. I’ll introduce you to her.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She’s from Indiana. She should be coming on-line later tonight.”
“No thanks,” Cow Chip said.
“Seriously, though, I think you should be happy for Lance,” Wilson said. “This is a big opportunity for him. It’s a little exciting that your friend is going to be on TV, isn’t it?”
“I guess.”
“Besides, think about it. The commercial will run for a few weeks, and then he’ll fade back into obscurity and no one will give a rat’s butt.”
“Hey! You’re right! Thanks, Wilson!”
“Lance?” Cow Chip said.
“What do you want, punk?”
“Hey! Don’t call me punk, punk!… I’m sorry. I just wanted to apologize for being a jerk these past few days. I hope you have a great time making that commercial.”
“You mean that?” Lance asked.
“Yes, I do. Now go out there and make a good commercial.”
“Thanks, Cow Chip.” Lance shook Cow Chip’s hand.
“Come on, Hernandez. It’s almost time to start filming. The celebrities are ready.”
“Celebrities? Really? Who else is in this commercial with me?”
“Michael Bolton, Jennifer Aniston, and Deion Sanders. Cool, huh?”
“Umm… umm…” Lance stuttered. “I’ve been wanting to tell you that I’m really not cut out for this part. And I don’t know anyone who wants it more than my friend Cow Chip.”
“No!” Cow Chip screamed. He ran away. Lance followed him.
“Hey! Who are we going to get now to be in our commercial?” the director said.
“Hey, look. Here’s that Fizzy commercial with all those people who suck,” Lance said.
“I wonder who they got to be in the commercial?” Cow Chip asked.
“Hey, look who it is!”
“Drink Fizzy-Cola!” Mr. Martin said. “Have a nice pompatus!”
Previous episode: 3. “Wilson’s Date“
Next episode: 5. “Trick or Treat“
Cow Chip & Lance 